FOOTLOOSE: Defending Goa

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Defending Goa

Footloose

Derek Almeida

Consider this: the US finally decides to invade India because we have
weapons of mass destruction. But because the Americans are tourists at
heart, they decide to make their first landing at Goa. What would we do?

First, we would have to look for a General. Not a real one, a pass class one
would do. After all we know we can't win this war.  No one can beat the
Americans. Nonetheless we have to put up some resistance if we are to look
good on CNN and BBC.

Then we might need a tank or two. What I had in mind was a real combat
vehicle not a Sintex variant.

Getting a real tank could prove difficult, but for starters we could borrow
the armoured personnel carrier posted outside the Signals HQ at Bambolim.
There's no telling if this mean machine has an engine or not, so we might
have to hire the services of some migrant labourers to push it.

Now coming back to the subject of a tank. Or should we drop it for the
moment?

Some one suggested we might need some night vision goggles. Not really,
because, after two pegs of feni every Goan thinks he can see in the dark.

I know the Americans are not likely to use chemical or biological weapons
but there is always that outside chance especially if some of our defence
tactics frustrate their advance.

In that case we will have to issue P24s to our combat personnel, if we can
call them that. What is a P24? Oops, forgot to mention it. P24 is a mask to
cover the mouth and nose, like the ones used by doctors. 24 indicates the
number of times it was washed and reused by the GMC before being sold by a
shaddy clerk to an even more shaddier defence procurer. We used the letter
`P' in front of 24 because it looks good. You could use a `Q' if you please.

Yes, I know you have a question. How do we prevent the biological or
chemical stuff from entering through the ears. Believe me, the DRDO (Defence
Research & Development Organisation) is working on it and we could have a
prototype in five years. In the meanwhile we might have to stuff old
fashioned cotton into the ears of our fighters, if we can call them that. 

Of course that could make it very difficult for them to take orders. But
then, in Goa no one follows orders, especially the bus drivers and trawler
owners.

Finally, we will need a uniform for our soldiers, if we can call them that.
I was thinking of jeans and those `Welcome to Goa' T-shirts available in
abundance in Baga and Calangute, but that could give the Americans the wrong
message. I think I better call Wendell Rodrigues on this one.

Now that we have sorted out the equipment for our warriors, if we can call
them that, lets get down to strategy. Wait a minute what about guns. Not
required because the Americans are most likely to bomb us from the air where
guns are useless. So we will have to give our guys (I think we can call them
that) two standard issue koitas just in case they get tired and want to
drink some tender coconut water.

The first one will be labelled Koita and the second one Koita.bak because
this is a high-tech war.

I would love to discuss war strategy, but I think I keep that for next time.
This war stuff is killing me.